: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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