I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
