I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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