What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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