after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
