i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
