After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
