Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
