Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I have fence marks all over my body
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
