I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
