Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
