Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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