went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
