I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
