so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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