We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Randomize