cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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