you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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