I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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