Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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