Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
