my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize