There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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