my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
