i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize