Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
