I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I have fence marks all over my body
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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