im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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