Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
