I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
