3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
awww and there was just a proposal on stage with the pussycat dolls !!!!!
Did someone propose they get off the stage?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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