A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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