Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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