I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
