You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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