So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize