Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
This girl is more easily done than said...
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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