Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
