this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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