I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
my phone needs a breathalizer
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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