Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
