I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
