So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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