12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
