suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
she told me i tasted like america
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
