closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
