I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
