So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
