today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
my liver is dry heaving
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
