you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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