I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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