Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
