omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
