i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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