no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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