grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
