he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
BRING THE BAGELS
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
