Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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