I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
