I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize